Before I moved out to Raleigh, North Carolina, I was convinced that happiness lay over the sea.
You see, I really wanted to move to Eastern Europe – Bucharest, Romania, to be precise. And a big part of me still does. I wanted to study with a guy named Zan Perrion, founder of an organization called the Ars Amorata. And a big part of me still does. But that’s for another blog entry.
I saw Raleigh and my time here strictly as an in-between stage during which I could save up enough money to get out to Bucharest. What actually happened was, I came out here – and my whole attitude changed.
What I’ve found out here in Raleigh is a certain something that I didn’t have in Nashville, and I certainly don’t have lined up in Bucharest. I even have a word for it: stability. Now, I’m under no illusions – I’m perfectly aware that no “bar gig” is really the most stable of positions. But in the sense of having a more secure hold on my day-to-day existence, my “bar gig” is adequately stable.
In fact, I’m enjoying this “stability” so much that my burning desire to up and run to Romania has actually diminished somewhat – at least for the time being. To me, this is strange, because before I was ready to go as soon as I had enough for a round trip plane ticket. Now, I’m noticing that the reason I’d have a round trip plane ticket in the first place is my good ol’ “bar gig”. And that shows me that I have a certain modicum of control here in Raleigh that I, well, don’t have in Bucharest.
Funny how plans can change. I guess “maturity” can mean having the awareness to creatively appreciate one’s resources. As in, the resources one has now, in this moment, in this stage of life. I was looking at those resources as a “means to an end” before, and now, I’m taking them a little less for granted.